I am so confused. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like I pushed everyone away because of my shitty marriage. I have been ashamed and embarrassed about how this thing has shaped up that I just did not want to not drag others in it. I have had a relationship not work before but for some reason this feels like a bigger failure. It feels like I let people down, like I let my family down. And I have tried. I have been trying for the last 4 years and I am just tired of faking it. Acting like all is ok. It’s not, it never has been, and honestly never will be. We have all the worldly possessions but we lack basic respect and trust in this relationship. Everything feels like a chore. Everything is forced.
I can barely crack a smile. I have just let myself down more than anyone. I promised myself I wouldn’t end up like one of those wives that just takes all the shit and continues in a suffocating relationship because she has no other option. I didn’t work hard to become that woman. I didn’t leave home and my friends and my county to become that woman.
I have isolated myself from the world because I just have no confidence left. The repeated comment of you are a bitch that no one likes has left no energy in me go out and make friends or bond with people. I am trying to remember when I became this person and its right after I met him. Cos before I had friends, I loved to go and meet people, I was the life a party, I loved getting drunk and being stupid. I don’t remember the last time I did that. And I haven’t done it not bcoz I am a grown up or any of that crap, I haven’t done it cos he didn’t like it, cos he said I embarrassed him coz I didn’t have any control on my emotions, cos he couldn’t handle me. I know I played my part but this is not what I aimed to be. I went from being a care free spirit to a corporate stooge. I went from not caring about the future to counting pennies becos we need to hit a tax bracket number.
Can I ever go bak? To being that person who just was reckless and innocent had a heart so full of dreams and compassion. I don’t know anymore.
I cannot imagine raising a child in this marriage. If I feel so suffocated I can only imagine how messed up that kid will end up being. I just want to step away from it all. I want to start over, not with anyone just alone focusing on myself. It just feels like that would be a selfish thing to do. Abandoning everything that I we worked hard for, giving it all up. That’s the conflict. But I just have to remind myself that if I did it once I can do it all over again. I can build it all again – a home, a life. I have lived in the slums of Newark. How bad can it get? Right?
I need to just get over the conflicting thoughts and take the plunge. Not let anyone get to me. Be determined in my decision. Yes it’s going to be hard starting over, of course it will be. But once that phase is over and things settle down. I can just move on and be the person I have the potential to be. This is a test of how strong I am as a person. And I’ve always said I am fighter. I fight for what’s right. And this is the right thing not just for me but for both of us. He will never walk away, not because he loves me but because he feels like he owes me something for helping him get here. He won’t say it but I know. I don’t care we both influenced each other in some good and then some not so good ways. So I have to be the strong one and walk away, accept my part of the blame and focus on what really matters – peace of mind and long term happiness. I was mad at everyone for not helping me get out of this sooner but I have to realize that one else can help. I have to help me – because at the end of the day you need to be your own hero, your own knight in shipping armor, your own teacher and your best friend. So I am doing it. No matter how hard it is walking away from my dream home that I feel like I built I have to just do it. No matter how much my parents hate me for it, no matter how much he pleads and begs and pretends to be in love with me. No matter how mad the world ends up being at me I have to do. I cannot loose myself any more than I already have. I cannot let this break me. I have to just do it because I do really belief this will be for the best for both our futures. The uncertainty of the future scares the shit out to me. I could end up a lone hag or end up being the cat lady or the isolated person who never talks to her family. But I have to believe if they love me they will let go of it eventually. I just have to hope and pray that they will forgive me for breaking their hearts. So here goes nothing.
