I've Been Crushed...Finally!!!

Ok so this is to inform u guys that I finally hav a crush on sum guy. And I can't tell u how happy I am cos its been ages since I last liked sum1. I am not really gonna do anything abt it cos I don't want to 4 various reasons. But the point is I FINALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON SUM1....yaayyyyy!! Just when I almost gave up hope:)

I read this sum where and I sooo had to put it on my blog -

" Boyfriend is a form of uglyness so intolerable that it needs to be changed every 6 months"

LOL ladies!!!! I know wat ur thinkin only a bitter bitch can appreciate crappy stuff like this well.... I completely agree;-)

By the way my face is still burning, its been almost 2 days now, seriously man wat the f*** was i thinkin.

The Pursuit of Happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness is actually one of my favorite movies and every time I watch this movie I learn something new. I think all of us are in the pursuit to find happiness and I am no different. So what makes my journey more important than yours. Well its MINE!!

If u hav seen the movie u'd know that Will Smith's character describes every phase of his life with a name. So if I had to do the same and describe this part of my life that I am livin rite now, I'd say this part of my life is called " The Struggle". U know how they say that if u work hard it always pays off in the end. Well the work part is almost over but there's no sign of the pay off. I have worked my ass off in the last 2 years. I focused all my energies on this one thing. Hell I even chose not to have a personal life at all cos I didn't want any distractions not until my MBA was done. And when I had the option to choose between hanging out with my friends or work, I always chose work. Not to mention that half of my friends are pissed at me now. The point is I had my priorities set. But wats the point?

I'd like to think this part of my life is similar to the part where Will Smith & his son get homeless. I am just exhausted and every inch of me wants to give up. But I won't cos there's a voice inside which says just hang on a little longer its gonna be alright. I just hope there's a happy endin to my story just like the movie. Cos this is all I have. Rite now my career (which means the world to me) is goin down the drain, I don't have a boyfriend and from the looks of it I am not gonna hav one at least not in the near future. And if that wasn't bad enough my parents hav gotten so desperate to get me married they even put up my profile on sum marriage portal (I think I'll have 2 a write a separate blog on this entire episode which by the way was super hilarious- in the end I hacked the account and deleted it,). So basically life sux rite now. The only ray of hope in my life these days are my college assignments and my exams which are cumin up soon. Theses things keep me busy and distracted. But even a few seconds of being idle just frustrate the hell out of me. I mean if I hav to choose between not doin anything and workin all night I'd choose the latter any day. I am a workaholic and won't even bother denying it. I like havin sumthin 2 work towards, I like beein busy...

I absolutely luv the part of the movie when Will Smith gets the internship and and he starts almost hoppin on the street and says " this part of my life this little part here is called happiness". Weird na, we spend more time in the pursuit of happiness than experiencing happniess itself.

I read this thing sumtime bak and I absolutely luved it, "I am a tough girl whose super ambitious and i know what I want. If that makes me a bitch then be it. At least I am not in denial".
I am gonna end this blog with this hymn that was in the movie The Pursuit of Happiness. Every time I hear it I have tears in my eyes. This is my plea to God cos I just want him 2 help me get past this phase..

Oh Lord You Don'T Have To Move The Mountain
But Give Me The Strength To Climb
And Lord, Don'T Take Away My Stumbling Blocks
But Lead Me All Around

VANITY INSANITY!!!!

So I was planning to write a blog this mornin for a completely different reason (cos I was bored)but never in my wildest dreams did I think I wud get so obsessed with vanity that I’d end up writin a blog on it.

As a child I was never really pretty. But honestly I didn’t really care. By the time I reached eleven I was overweight (thanks to my genes if I may add) and honestly didn’t really care then either. I grew up in joint family with loads of cousins who tortured me with fat names. I think I kinda accepted the whole thing and never even bothered to retaliate. Cos even thought I was fat I cud run super fast and play with them. I hav to add here that man kids can be mean and when I look bak now I kinda feel bad for the poor lil fat girl. When I turned 14 I had my first crush. He was super cute and had dimples.

I wasn’t really forward to think that I should date him. All I really wanted was for him to notice me. So I decided to loose weight and went on the worse diet possible. Within 2 months I was half my size. He didn’t notice me, so I continued. By the time I was 16 I was anorexic skinny. Thanks to the stupid diet I lost a lota hair, developed loads of infection and even skin problems. So I stopped!! I think even though I lost the weight in my head I hav always been a fat girl. And even today when I look in the mirror I see her.

My parents decided to put me on a house arrest me when I was in 12th cos they didn’t think I was studin enough. Thanks to the house arrest I kinda went into depression and the weight was back again. So after my exams got over I decided to loose the weight but this time by goin to the gym. The thing is I kinda liked workin out so I spent way 2 much time in the gym and within a couple of months started lookin anorexic again. So I had to do away with the gyming. But then I had one of those boyfriends who played on m my insecurities. He kept tellin me I wasn’t thin enough (His exact word were ur ass is not in proportion with ur body). And I was 6 kgs lighter back then. I never really felt like I was good enough for him so the struggle with my weight continued. I think the fact that I wasn’t comfortable in my own body made things worse.

It took me a break up and a lot of internal work in my head to finally get comfortable with my body and the way I look. To be honest I didn’t really care any more just like when I was a kid. Cos sum where I realized that there more to me than the way I look.

I have to confess though that since I have turned 24, I started feelin old not mentally but physically I have. And the whole ageing gracefully thing is obviously not happenin……

A couple of months back I started getting some dark patches on my face I figured it had sumthing to do with the sun so I started wearing loads of un block. It didn’t really help. I saw couple of doctors too cos the things on my face u know. Anyways this afternoon I went to one who was highly recommended. But I think she kinda hijacked me. Apparently this thing is cos of the way I sleep. I don’t hav enough flesh on my temples so when I sleep side ways the capillaries on my face get squashed. After lookin at the thing she immediately started applying sum acid like stuff on my face and I can’t tell u how much it burned. And then she got sum machine which sucked my dead skin which was agonizingly painfull. Mind u this all happened during my lunch break from work. Imagine going to work with the skin on ur face peelin of…………….ewww. And did I mention how much it burned. I don’t know maybe I have no resistance to pain. Honestly I never thot I wud ever be vane enough to go for such stuff and now its hurtin like crazy and I just want to undo the whole thing. Also the bloody thing was super expensive man. I never thot I wud ever be so vane. Honestly I am not, I just want 2 look the way I did, its not like I want to look better or anything. I have spent my entire 1st pay cheque on doctors I didn’t even get to enjoy it;-(

Single, but not lonely

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY TO U ALL!!! I actually had big plans for the day ( was gonna go 4 a trek with my friends ) but nature took its course. So thanks to PMS I spent the whole day holding my stomach lying on my bed.

I read this article 2day and I agreed with every word in it so I just had to share it...

WHEN I was in my late twenties, my parents believed they could find a person for me to marry. And despite my advice to them to abandon this line of thought, because a 'found' boy, was not the path to marriage I could possibly tread, they would insist on meeting single, eligible men and their families. These meetings always ended with my parents politely excusing themselves from said company even before tea had been served. I don't remember all the groom stories they told me, but yes, there was one in which a mother said she had no objections to a 'career bahu' as long as I cooked the family's lunch before leaving for work; and there was another where the boy was going through an unusual dietary phase; he was a Phalaahari, who had consumed only fruit for the past several months; and there was yet another one, where, upon phoning the number given to my parents by a helpful relative, they found out the guy was already married; to cut a short story shorter - arranged marriage didn't work out for me. And this, I had predicted.

Now, the thing about love, at least the kind I understand, is this: it simply cannot be searched for, no matter how diligently the strategy and plan are chalked out. It has to happen on its own - infrequently, unpredictably and illogically. Admittedly, many have found a kind of love through some sort of arranged meeting; but I also know of several women, who have been fiercely scouring the social landscape for that elusive, wonderful man they will marry, for five, 10 years and it hasn't yielded just results. Either the guy just stops calling after three meetings or these women find the men less than sensitive, smelly or just not exciting enough. All this only corroborates my thesis: if love has to happen, it will. Or else it won't.

Why is there such mortal fear of being single? It's not half as bad as it's made out to be. The single person has many satisfying relation-ships. One's relationship with work is nothing if not passionate, steadfast, and intimate. Work is the one thing in life that gives you back what you give it. It's pulsating and alive, and although filled with huge highs and lows, never does it leave you empty and undone. A project hardly ever fills you with abiding sorrow, even when it isn't a success. You put your heart into it, and in turn, it will always remain yours.

Nonetheless, what can be tiring, even in this elemental relationship is that one has to continuously sell one's wares. In the entertainment business, you need to endlessly pitch your ideas and throw yourself into full-bodied marketing to convince sceptics of your talent. That's a considerable pressure and often debilitating to the spirit. But for those low times, there are friends! Childhood companions, girlfriends! Funny, patient, generous, friends are extended family. With them you are free to be yourself. Free to fight, free to gossip, free to embrace and free to fail. It's so liberating, it's as if, with all your awkwardness and ineptness, you fall back into a soft bed to allow yourself to stare at nothing. Of such fun experiences, the world is filled to the brim! There are so many places to travel to, so many different foods to be had! There are books to read , movies to see, websites to be immersed into. The occasional hairspa to be enjoyed and the great pair of Italian shoes to be bought! There are nieces and nephews to be adored, and parents to laugh with. Stories to hear and stories to tell.

Oh single world, whatever else, thou art certainly not one-dimensional!

So, single though I am, I hardly am bored, and have never felt sorry for myself. Therein lies the secret. If romance walks through the door someday, it will be welcomed. Not because I'll be waiting, sad and lonely, ready to fling myself at Cupid's feet, in tearful gratitude. But because, all loves are welcome. All loves are life. And not all lives have to walk down the regular road to be considered full.

The writer Tanuja Chandra is a screenwriter and director

Confessions of a Bitch....

You know I hav always thought of myself as good human being but rite now I don't feel that good about myself. The bitch within me has just taken over. Its like a split personality- I don't like her and she doesn't like me either. She makes me do these things and then I feel guilty later.

I hav realized that I hav been justifying my actions in my head by sayin its Ok to be this way cos I hav been through a lota crap. But the thing is no matter how much crap u've been throught nuthin can justify u being a bad human being, period!!
Bad things happen to most of us but at one point u just hav to let go....

I have also realized that I judge people. I think most of us do. My problem is I end up lettin people know wat I think of them on their face. Also its not like I have lead a saint like life myself so who the hell am I to judge people. So I shudn't...I think I am gonna change this about myself.

I miss my friend I think I am trying to find him in people around me ..

I am at a crossroad in my life rite now - I hav to choose between fulfillment / satisfaction and money. This is like goin against everything I stand for. I have actually looked down at people who hav done this and I can't believe I am thinkin of doin it myself. Its not so much about greed rather its about my desire to be a sumbody. I don't want live a life of an anonymous person who nobody knew existed. I hav realised maturity has nuthin to do with age and everything to do with experiences u've had in life. One of the reasons my siblings are so mature 4 their age is cos they hav seen so much in life.

I just really need to get hold of the bitch within me b4 she completely take over..

I hav completely fallen in luv with this track by The Fray- How to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

P.S - Just in case u r wonderin this song is about a guy trying to help his friend who's an addict