I am scared......and it feels gr8 to finally admit it to myself!

I am exhausted rite now but i have to share this with people b4 this thought leaves my head. Last nite in my sleep I ended up gettin the answer to a question that has been lingering in my mind for quite sumtime now. I finally figured out why people stay in relationships that rn't workin or they rn't really into. Well earlier i thot it was b'coz people jus get use to each other and then they think its too much of a pain to give up the comfort of sumbody who knows u so well. But i was wrong, the actual reason is that people are scared.
Scared of Wat? Well sacred of being alone i think. Its the fear that wat if i don't fall in luv again? Wat if i dont feel this way about sumbody ever again? Wat if i can't find sum1 who will care this way about me again? Luv, companionship, understanding, compatibility these are very difficult things to find. And if u find it with sum1 u just dont wanna give it up cos Wat if this is the last time u r findin it ever?

I read this sumwhere that it is only natural to have fear, we all have fears but a courageous person is one who still goes ahead and does wat he fears.

Though we all might fear not findin luv again, i jus hope that people who are scared to tell the person they are with that they arn't really into them do so cos its not fair to either of them. Conquer your fears and do the rite thing cos if u dont then both of u will end up being bitter at the end of it all.

I am scared that i am not gonna fall i luv again and it scares the shit out of me. Though i hav always thot of myself as a loner but i dont want to be alone 4ever. I am not really ready to be in a relationship just yet but i hope that when i am i will find sum1. I hav always thot that relationships are purely about timing. U might end up meeting the person u r most compatible with and not decide to be with them cos u jus arnt i that place in your life. But then u may end up with sumbody with whom u really hav to try to work things out but u dont mind. U know y? Cos u r ready to be in a relationship then and u feel the need to have sumbody. I personally hav never really believed in luv at firt sight or the whole soulmates crap. I think every relationship needs to be worked on & the two people involved shud just be really willing to do that. Only then does a relationship work.

I am finally beginning to trust people and its not goin bad at all actually. Its kinda weird though for sum reason.

Message for Mr. EX

I was about to delete this blog yesterday cos i found out that my ex has been readin it. And trust me thats the last person i want around my blogs. Anyways i saw a comment on one of my blogs ( Thanx man! seriously) and i realized that somebody does actually reads this blog so i changed my mind. I cant tell u how pissed i was when i found out that this person was invading my space, i dont even remember givin him the link to this blog. I dont want some guy judgin me for every word i write and thats wat he's gonna do.This is my space and will write as i please. I havnt even felt like writin since i found out that the jerk's readin it. The worse thing is that i am completely incapable of being mean to him inspite of everythin i jus can't be mean to the guy. And if i do end up sayin sumthin then i'll feel guilty for the rest of my life for sayin it. Hell if i was any nicer to him i am sure i wud have attained sainthood by now. I really cant understand people who say and do mean things to others, how do they do it man? Do they not hav a conscious ?or do they simply justify their actions in their head and then rid themselves of the guilt. Watever the case is i jus wanna be able to be like them once in a while cos this conscious of mine jus stinks....

Anyways this is a message to Mr. Ex. - Stop readin my blog this very second ok and just live your life and let me live mine. I just dont want u around my blog and i know u dont need my permission to read it but if u hav any iota of decency then pls just let it be. I respected your wishes when u asked me to leave u alone and buzz off. And since that day i havnt done anything to cum in your way and i never will. So pls, this is my blog and this my space where i scribble every shitty thought that goes thru my head and i dont want u readin it ok.

8/04/07

Now i am feelin extremely guilty about writin this blog, I jus wanna say that i am sorry i dont mean to be rude or anythin. I am jus not comfortable with the idea of u readin my blog.....

THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

This is one of my favorite parts from one of my very favorite books- THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN. You just have to read this book...


The Fourth Lesson

FINALLY, AFTER MANY TALKS, Marguerite walked Eddie through another door. They were back inside the small, round room. She sat on the stool and placed her fingers together. She turned to the mirror, and Eddie noticed her reflection. Hers, but not his. "The bride waits here," she said, running her hands along her hair, taking in her image but seeming to drift away. "This is the moment you think about what you're doing. Who you're choosing. Who you will love. If it's right, Eddie, this can be such a wonderful moment." She turned to him. "You had to live without love for many years, didn't you?" Eddie said nothing. "You felt that it was snatched away, that I left you too soon." He lowered himself slowly. Her lavender dress was spread before him. "You did leave too soon," he said. "You were angry with me." "No." Her eyes flashed. "OK. Yes." "There was a reason to it all," she said.
"What reason?" he said. "How could there be a reason? You died. You were forty-seven. You were the best person any of us knew, and you died and you lost everything. And I lost everything. I lost the only woman I ever loved." She took his hands. "No, you didn't. I was right here. And you loved me anyway.

"Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it. "Life has to end," she said. "Love doesn't."

Eddie thought about the years after he buried his wife. It was like looking over a fence. He was aware of another kind of life out there, even as he knew he would never be a part of it. "I never wanted anyone else," he said quietly. "I know," she said. "I was still in love with you." "I know." She nodded. "I felt it." "Here?" he asked. "Even here," she said, smiling. "That's how strong lost love can be."

She stood and opened a door, and Eddie blinked as he entered behind her. It was a dimly lit room, with foldable chairs, and an accordion player sitting in the corner. "I was saving this one," she said. She held out her arms. And for the first time in heaven, he initiated his contact, he came to her, ignoring the leg, ignoring all the ugly associations he had made about dance and music and weddings, realizing now that they were really about loneliness. "All that's missing," Marguerite whispered, taking his shoulder, "is the bingo cards." He grinned and put a hand behind her waist. "Can I ask you something?" he said. "Yes." "How come you look the way you looked the day I married you?" "I thought you'd like it that way." He thought for a moment. "Can you change it?" "Change it?" She looked amused. "To what?"
"To the end." She lowered her arms. "I wasn't so pretty at the end." Eddie shook his head, as if to say not true. "Could you?" She took a moment, then came again into his arms. The accordion man played the familiar notes.
She hummed in his ear and they began to move together, slowly, in a remembered rhythm that a husband shares only with his wife.

You made me love you
I didn 't want to do it
I didn't want to do it. . . .
You made me love you
and all the time you knew it
and all the time you knew it. . . .

When he moved his head back, she was 47 again, the web of lines beside her eyes, the thinner hair, the looser skin beneath her chin. She smiled and he smiled, and she was, to him, as beautiful as ever, and he closed his eyes and said for the first time what he'd been feeling from the moment he saw her again: "I don't want to go on. I want to stay here." When he opened his eyes, his arms still held her shape, but she was gone, and so was everything else.

Shower Cap OR Thinking Cap?

I was jus wonderin the other day how all gr8 ideas strike when we are in the shower. Initially i thot it was just me but after my extensive research i have found that a lot of people feel the same way. So now the question is how cum?
Well according to me its because thats the only place where we are alone and at peace. In a crowded city like Mumbai its difficult to find peace and solitude anywhere else but in the shower. Personally whenever i have found myself in a stressful situation i spend a good hour or two in my favorite place and at the end i come out with a solution. I seriously think this can be a good topic for research project, it would be nice to know the science behind it all..

I conducted this experiment sumtime bak. It was basically to prove a point that " All men are jerks". See i wore a knee length skirt when my legs were unwaxed and stood at a bus stop for a good 15 to 20 mins. From a distant all men walkin stared at me and my legs like perverts that they are but as they came closer and had a good look at my unwaxed legs they jus looked away like they had seen a ghost. Hell sum young guys even giggled. This from jack asses whose legs look like they are wearin a fur coat. I was jus talkin to a couple of my male friends and one of them mentioned that women with hairy legs are a big turn off. And i jus thought to myself dude have u seen your legs ever....I mean y do men expect women to look all prepped up when they themselves look like hairy bears. I am serious the next time i hear a guy talk abt sum poor girl being hairy i will personally drag him 2 a salon and get him waxed. Only when guys experience the excruciating pain women feel during waxing will they learn to appreciate them..

Lately all the movies that i have seen have been crappy. I jus can't appriciate cinema anymore for sum reason.Things have turned out ok with my friends i mean at the end of the day we luv each other and thats wat matters. I think i am gonna live like this is the last year of my life so far its been good ( hope i didn't jinx it). I think i am loosing focus, things have gotten a lil boring education wise so i am tryin to find other things that interest me. Exams jus dont scare me any more. Its jus an exam at the end of the day its not the end of my life. I wish kids of today realise that and don't overpressure themselves. For sum reason when we are in school it jus seems like the end it all and the be it all of our existence. I read this this funny thing in the newspaper today and i really liked it..

" There are no stupid questions jus stupid people"

LOL!!!!

P.S- the trusting thing still not happenin yet, i am really tryin now but its not goin anywhere.