The Drama Queen

So rite now I am doin the whole single gal in New York thing. I always wanted to do this........but the things is now that I am doin it, it just doesn't seem that big a deal anymore. I cud write a god damn book abt the number of fears I hav managed to conquer in the last couple of months. But there is still one that haunts me day in and day out and I am not sure if I'll be able to conquer this one at all.....
If there's one thing that I have learnt from this entire experience, it is that - the things that we are the most afraid of doing are the things that make us the happiest :)

Yes I am super poor rite now and yes I don't know if i'll be able to pay next month's rent but still there is a certain level of calmness that I been able to attain and I can't describe how. Inspite of everythin I luv my life rite now and I wudn't trade it for anything. I have also realised that when u try too hard things never work out whether its a relationship or ur career. Sumtimes in life u just have to let things be......
I am completely clueless abt my future rite now but I think thats the reason I came here, I like not knowin wats gonna happen next. I refuse to lead my life like every other person I know is leadin and I hate it when things are sooo predictable. Also I luv to prove people wrong, every1 who knew me when I was around 18 said Oh u'd be married with a kid by the time ur 25. So to all those people ......HAHA. I know I need to grow up but the point is proved them wrong......lol!!!

U know wat I don't get? People frown at u when u get married in ur early 20's cos well ur way too young and immature and then they frown at u if ur not married by ur mid twenties cos ur gettin old and ur still not married. I mean wat is their problem....wat is the god damn perfect age to get married according to these people? I am feelin way too much peer pressure these days. Well all this talk abt age is cos I recently turned 25.....yippeee!!! and I had and awesome 25th Bday thanx to my roomates.....I will always be grateful to them and this is a bday that I will remember for the rest of my life......But I have to admit I spent the first one hour of my Bday cryin like a baby over the phone and talkin to my sister cos I had a bad interview the day b4 and also cos well I turned 2 5 which is a super big deal. In my sisters words I was behaving like Joe from Friends did when he turned 30 (NO I havn't been watchin too much Friends lately infact havn't seen it in ages). But honestly I cudn't help it. Wat if I am gonna die at 50 that means I hav already lead half of my life :( .....ya ok fine I am a drama queen get over it!! I accepted it long time bak that I am a girlie girl, I like flowers, I like celebrating Valentines days and Anniversaries, I like being told I am pretty, I DO NOT LIKE GETTING OLDER and I LUV PINK. So sue me;-)

My darling Mona got married this Sunday and I can't tell u how sad I am about not being there to witness the happiest day of her life. I spent the entire day yesterday watchin weddin videos of random people on Youtube .......needless to say I imagined her as the bride in all of them. This is the part I hate the most about being away from home.....when ur not there for ur loved ones, it sux BIGTIME :(
I heard this poem today and it describes aptly wat I feel for my darling Monz with whom I hav shared every little thing since I can even remember, who taught me the 1st poem I ever learned, whose clothes I borrowed all the time and never returned , who dressed me up for my 1st day of college and who held my hand through my worse times...Luv U Monz

I carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Experience: that most brutal of all teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn

I was sitting in the gurudwara the other day and all of a sudden these things starting poppin up up in my head. I heard this sumwhere, that " Its the drama in life that makes u stronger" and I completely agree with it. But it is also this same drama that makes u realize the importance of certain things and certain people. So the drama that has been my life for the past couple of months had made me realize a lot of things. Its like attending a university where u are ur own teacher...when u have nuthin much to do and no1 to talk 2 u kinda end up talkin to urself a lot more and then it becums difficult to avoid those questions uve been avoidin 4ever. Anyways cumin bak to the things I ve learned in the last couple of months, they vary from sum seriously stupid to sum thought provoking stuff and well wat the heck I'll list it....

1. I hav learned that its important to make sure that the pressure cooker is closed properly cos otherwise u end up burning the dal
2. I have learned that when washin clothes u shud turn them inside out
   
3. I have realized that when u wash utensils all the time the soap leaves ur hand super rough & dry
4. I have realized that its more important to know Gujarati than English when movin to the US
5. I have learned how to thread my own eyebrows (don't try this at home cos it hurts like shit)
6. I have realized that I am so lucky that I don't have parents who are religious fanatics
7. I have realized that no matter where I am I will always luv Guddu the most
8. I have realized that no1 can cook food like my mom does
9. I have realized that housewives do soo much work when they stay home
10. I have realized that I am not that bad a cook
11. I have realized that when I am in the kitchen anything can happen and belans do burn when placed near the flame
12. I have realized that no matter where the hell I am Guddu will always call me when she wants to gossip
13. I have realized that I have been privileged all my life to have stayed near a gurudwara
14. I have realized that I hav been soo lucky to have been born and bought up in Mumbai and not sum pind of Punjab
15. I have realized that many Indian girls livin in the US can't even dream of havin the kinda freedom that my parents have given me
16. I have realized I shudn't try to find my sis in sum1 else there's is only one Gudia in the world and she stays in Mumbai
    
17. I have realized that when I am away my Mom misses havin sum1 to fight with
18. I have realized that Guddu would turn out a lot like me even if I am not around cos we are sisters
19. I have realized that it takes a lot of ingredients to make sindhi kadi like my mom makes
    
20. I have realized that standing in the kitchen all day can be such a pain cos of all the heat
21. I have realized that I was such a brat for not helpin my mom out ever in the kitchen
22. I have realized that my parents are gettin old and its high time I stop rebellin
    
23. I have realized that every1 rebels and thinks that their parents don't get them at a certain age
24. I have realized that my father must have endured so much when he moved from Patiala to Mumbai to get sumwhere in life
    
25. I have realized that I actually don't mind sleepin on the floor
26. I have realized that its difficult to find a place to live in, in a city where u barely know any1
    
27. I have realized that there's sumthing called utilities for which u have to pay 50$ every month
28. I have realized that the thought off all sorts of bills can turn my hair grey:(
    
29. I have realized that I actually won't mind marryin a sardar after all if it makes my parents happy
30. I have realized that the water in America makes my hair fall
31. I have realized that when the goin gets tough my parents will support me
32. I have realized that sum people in America (mostly Indians who moved here way bak) still think India is a country of snake charmers
33. I have realized that people never want to move away from their homes circumstances makes them move
34. I have realized that everything happens for a reason
35. I have realized that people will do anything for a green card even hit on sum1 they don't like
36. I have realized that even though I don' mind my own company I mostly like havin people around
    
37. I have realized how my life would have been if my parents had separated when I was a kid
38. I have realized that I wanna do a Ph.d
39. I have realized that I don't have the guts to tell my parents that I wanna do a Ph.d
40. I have realized that even though I am a strong person I cry at the drop of a hat when sum1 in my family falls ill
41. I have realized that when I look directly at people with blue eyes feel I hypnotized
    
42. I have realized that blind dates aren't for me
43. I have realized that all parents know wat their kids are upto even though they don''t admit it
44. I have realized that u can never take havin a roof over ur head for granted
45. I have realized that I can't lift weights cos it hurts my shoulders
46. I have realized that the best way 2 forget all ur tensions is to play with a kid
47. I have realized that I hav been privileged to have lived most of my life near a beach
48. I have realized that I CANNOT stand the cold weather at all
49. I have realized that ur parents know when u lie but they let u get away with it cos they luv u
50. I have realized that I can be honest with my parents
51. I have realized that it feels awesome when ur parents support you
52. I have realized that I live too much in the present and have no clue how to plan for the future
    
53. And last but not the least I have realized that its better to wash clothes with cold water cos otherwise they fade sooner.......lol!

The Blind Date Fiasco :(

I recently went on my 1st sorta blind date. Not sure if I shud even call it that....anyways this guy - a family friend's son calls me up and we have a pretty long conversion (and for sum1 I have never really met it was kinda super long) so anyways the nice conversation ends with us decidin to meet the next day. And I have no clue how the dude looks so I google him ( I am not vane OK I just wanted to confirm he wasn't sum freak). Anyways so I come across his pic on Facebook and I am like ok theek hai kinda looks like my friend Ritesh from college. Don't ask me how I know but I am pretty sure this guy googled me as well. Anyways we meet the next day and within the 1st 5 mins I kinda knew - Not my type. And I am pretty sure he felt the same ways. So anyways we meet and we do the whole American kiss on the cheek thing to greet each other (Now I have to be honest here I so wudn't do this if the guy looked gross) and we leave for the city...
New York is a super romantic place trust me but only if u hav the rite person around. The day was kinda well planned we had lunch at one of those roadside Italian cafes and then headed to Central Park (which by the way is super romantic). And this guy is like ..I don't know it felt like I was the only one tryin to make make any conversation. Which is so wierd cos we had a really good conversation the night b4. I mean dude I am disappointed as well ( the picture I saw did get the best of him) but u can atleast try u know...... I know I am not the most entertaining person on the planet but cummmmmmmon this guy looked plain BORED. Like he didn't even pretend to be interested. I mean thats insulting !
The thing is I soooo like this guy's mom so I was hoping I'd like him......ya thats how things work with me these days. I mean for once why can't things just fall in place u meet sum1 fall for them and then the happily ever after thing happens. But nahin yahan to bloody spark ka S bhi nahi tha. No kidding but this guy was like literally ogling at chiks around. I mean there's a way of chekin out chiks, this guys was actually offensive....
Needless to say I havn't heard from this dude since and I havn't called him either..I mean theek hai sweet guy and all, took the effort to show me the city but seriously no freakin Chemistry. God work ur magic what are u waitin for. I am tellin u but I have almost givin up hope. My parents hav been so supportive of this entire thing, I think after all this I am pretty much gonna hav an arranged marriage. I don't have the heart to rebel against them anymore. So basically thats it for me :(

I wanna grow old with you

I hope sum1 sings this song for me sumday:)




I wanna make you smile whenever youre sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
I'll kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

I'll need you
I'll feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if youve had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Don't be your own Bully!!

OK so I can't believe I am finally writing this blog, I have been procrastinating it for like 4ever now. There are a lot of reasons why I havn't had the balls to write this blog yet. This is sumthing I had 4 gotten about actually and just recently I met sum1 who's been thru it and after talkin 2 her I felt like I have 2 write this blog....

I don't know how many of you hav heard about " Emotional Abuse" but once you find out wat it is I am sure u'll realize u know sum1 who's been thru it.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.

This is actually a very apt description of emotional abuse I found online. I think when sum sumone's been thru emotional abuse they sumwhere just completely loose themselves. And when the relationship gets over they feel completely lost they just have no clue what to do with themselves. Also there are a lota chances that Emotional Abuse can turn violent later. I think it all starts when u want to please the person u are with. You take their opinion for everything cos they matter, when they criticize u abt sumthing initially u think we'll atleast he or she is being honest but slowly this ends up becoming a habit. I personally believe that u can't just blame one person for such a relationship both parties are equally at fault. There's sumthing called " Classic Conditioning" in psychology which basically means u teach the mind how to behave. If sum1 insults you and u don't react to it then ur sending out the msg to his mind that its ok to do so. You have to set the ground rules rite from the start, don't take things that u won't be able to tolerate in the long run. And don't dismiss it as a one time incident which won't happen again. Trust me if u don't react it will happen again..There are so many sites online out there dedicated to Emotional Abuse and there are so many tests online as well. If you have the slightest fear that that's where ur relationship is headed then read abt it and fix it or get the hell out of it. This is sum stuff that I found online..

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

U can find a lot more of this info on : http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168

Its been found that people who generally go thru emotional abuse are the ones who have low self-esteem and lack self- confidence. One of the reasons why I have been wanting to write abt this is because I have seen it very closely. A couple of my friends have gone thru it and sum1 in my own family is goin thru it ....And I have gone thru it. Personally I feel like if u hav been thru a relationship like this then take the time to work on ur self and don't jump into another relationship cos its very easy to repeat the same pattern. I know sum1 who's been in a series of Emotionally Abuse relationships only because she won't take the time to figure out wat is it that she's doing wrong. As I said I don't think its one person's fault. Unless and until u figure out wat u need to work on u'll keep attracting the same kind of people. And most importantly work on ur confidence and self esteem, the world is always trying to put u down anyways and when the person u luv puts u down then it becomes very difficult to stand up again. I think each and every one of us deserves to be luved for who we are but we have to believe that. Unless and until u really believe that its not gonna work out. Believe in yourself and don't be your own bully. And ALWAYS stand up for urself.

I think one of the reasons why I worked so hard in college was because I needed to prove to myself " That I can achieve watever I set my mind on" , " I am capable of being a sumbody". Trust me when I say this it worked wonders for my self confidence. I just hope that sum1 out there reads this blog and realizes that they deserve better. Trust me the whole purpose of writing this blog wud be served.....I know its difficult but u deserve better than that.

My State of Mind...

Manzil Muskil to kya,
Bundla Sahil to kya,
Tanha Ye Dil to Kya
Ho...

Raah Pe Kante Bikhre agar,
Uspe to phir bhi chalna hi hai,
Shaam Chhupale Suraj agar,
Raat ko ek din Dhalana hi hai,

Rut ye tal jayegi,
Himmat rang layegi,
Subha phir aayegi
Ho...

God are u there??

There's this thing I had wished for sumtime back and I thot if it came true I'd get sadistic pleasure out of it....well it did cum true and guess what? When I found out I felt the exact opposite of pleasure. I felt like pain in the purest form possible. It felt like sumbody just slammed a hammer over my porcelain heart. I am just so mad rite now I hav no words to describe it. I guess all wounds heal with time and so will this one. And God if u are listening - This is soo not fair and u know it ! I just soo wanna get goin with my life now. I have done everything within my power to make sure that happens. I read sumwhere that u get what u deserve and I soooo deserve this.........unless u are holding sum of my last life's sins against me. I wanna be able to live without having to ever thinkin about this again...its none of my business anyways. I don't want any of those useless dreams either, they just mess with my head. I think I am good without them. U have always been there with me and I really need u rite now.

P.S- I wish I had one of those boxing thingy's where u can just beat the shit out of it, I just need sumthing 2 vent my frustrations rite now;-(

The Witch and her chaotic life

So much has happened since I last wrote I don't even know where to start from. U know how u always have a thing that u'd wanna do once in ur lifetime but sumhow at the bak of ur mind u kinda know that u are never gonna do it. I kinda got around to doin one of those things.............. Its almost like bungee jumping ur excited about it on the way to the sight but once u reach there and look down a part of u feels like turnin around and goin bak. But I am not gonna do that atleast not now, I am shit scared no doubt but I am still gonna do it or atleat try 2 do it.

You try to run away from sumthing and u r so sick and tired of it that u try to run away as far away from it as u can and just when u think that u can relax now cos its way behind u turn around and its staring u rite in the face ( in my case in the form of a child ) which is even worse cos u obviously can't shoo a child away. I know I am not really making any sense rite now but trust me I am.....

If sumbody ever asked me at wat age did I start feelin old like aged old i'd say 24. I hve been feelin old since the exact day I turned 24. I mean as if the black spots on my face weren't bad enough I discovered a bunch of grey hair:-( and then recently injured my shoulder while I was liftin weights (which by the way is hurtin like shit even as I am writin this blog). Also I am gettin super depressed about the fact that I am the only single girl in my family now (my younger sis doesn't really count cos well I won't let her date). I mean seriously god are u kiddin me no job, no boyfriend and an almost broken shoulder. You gotta u cut me sum slack here. I mean everything else is ok BUT health is wealth yaar.

Talkin about God recently I have cum across sum people with seriosly extremist religious sentiments. Personally I am not very religious but I am very spiritual. I believe in God from within and I strongly belieive that on sum levels religion divides people. And I don't support that. I mean seriously live and let live. God is not about following a certain set of rules and forcin other's to do the same he's about livin a good life and being a good human being.

I recently read The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho , now honestly nuthin really matches up to The Alchemist cos books like those don't cum along often but it was a decent book. There are sum parts of the book which I cud completely relate with. The main protaganist in the book Athena has been described as sum1 who's not content with life. For sum people a decent career, fallin in luv and raisin a family isn't enough infact its kinda boring. They seek more challenges and hence in sum way or the other they purposely complicate their own lives as well as of those around them. I think I am one of those people. I honestly don't know whether its a good thing or not. There was a time in my life when I was so content with what I had that I cudn't hav asked for anything more but now its just the complete opposite. I think I am a restless soul who's intentiionallly seeking chaos cos in sum weird way it makes life more interesting.

Ok gotta go sleep now I guess I'll be writin more often now cos there's no Guddu here to talk with anymore. Man I miss her ok I am not gonna write any more cos its makin me a lil homesick.......

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof - Kahlil Gibran

Do u ever feel like u deserve better than this ..than wat u r getting rite now? I do sumtimes. Honestly I know that I have been lucky in a lota ways but still I want more. And that does make me a selfish person but then aren't we all a little selfish (yes this is how i justify it all in my head to be guilt free). There's so much I want from life, I think that the list would be endless but I WANT IT PERIOD!!! I hav got just one life to live and I want it all in this lifetime so I am not gonna settle for anything less, I just won't. And why shud I? So I hav not had it easy like a lotta people I know but why shud that change wat I want. So wat if I hav to fight for the smallest things in life. I am not gonna settle for sumthing less just cos I hav 2 fight for what I want. That just ain't gonna happen....
You know wat the harder it gets the more I want it. That's me. And I know its not always gonna be this hard, I just know it. Cos I have faith in myself and I have faith in the God. I know that when things get tough he'll be standing rite next to me. Sum times when I am really low I imagine him placing his hand on my head and sayin that its gonna be ok. So I am gonna keep fighting till my last breath if thats wat it takes 2 get there...

The thing with me is my high's are really high (if that makes any sense) and my lows are so low that I'd probably reach the core of the earth if I go any lower (if that makes any sense again). Things need to be evenly distributed man.......God if ur listening! I am not sayin reduce the no. of lows I am just sayin just mix them up a lil with the high's u know it'll make things easier.

I feel like like I just wanna go away from here and not cum bak for lil while. If it wasn't for my sis i'd probably do it without givin it a 2nd thot. I am gonna do it now too I have to but I hav 2 make sure she's fine 1st. I want her to stand up for herself and I know as long as I am around I'll kinda end up doin it for. I want her to be a strong person like a 100 times stronger than I have ever been..do parents ever let go of their kids? I think they shud cos thats the only way they'll grow by learning from their own mistakes. And that's exactly wat I am gonna do..... So stick around god cos I kinda hav a feelin its gonna be a bumpy ride ahead for a lil while atleast:-)

This one's for my baby sis...

I have been planning 2 write this blog for sum time now just never got around to doin it. Any1who knows me knows how important my siblings are to me. They mean the world to me…. my brother is more like friend to me but my sis is my baby. I think I luv her like a daughter and I’ve done everything within my power to make sure she turns out into a spoilt brat…lol! I am super super protective about her and even thought I’ll try I know am not gonna always be around to shoo away the jerks. And I sooo don’t wanna admit it but sooner or later she’s gonna find sum guy worthy enough to date. If it were upto me I’d make sure she doesn’t date until she’s 30…no kidding. I think I am so protective cos I don’t want her 2 be hurt ever and if sum guy ever did (god forbid) , I think me and my brother are soo gonna kick the guy’s ass. Anyways there are a lota things that I have learnt from my own experience and those of my friends. I don’t want her to make the same mistakes that we did so I thot I’ll just list down sum do’s and don’ts & sum solid advice for her which I hope she uses when she decides to see a guy …

1. If a guy likes you he’ll give you all the attention in the world and he’ll make sure u know that he likes u, so don’t waste ur time doing the -does like me does he like me not crap.
2. If he’s nice to u only when he feels like it – then he’s a jerk. How u feel for sum1 doen’t change cos ur in a bad mood.
3. Don’t ever and I mean EVER let a guy tell u that ur not pretty enough or smart enough for him. The world is full of jerks who think that they are God’s gift 2 women and its better to stay away them.
4. Don’t ever assume that sum jerk who cheats on women will change himself for u, remember once a cheater always a cheater.
5. Just because sum1 says I Luv U doesn’t mean that they actually do. Actions speak louder than words and guys will do or say just about anything to get into a girl’s pants.
6. If he always has two three chicks hanging around as his back up then dump the jerk.
7. Don’t ever let a guy tell u that he can do better than u, remember that u r the best..
8. Don’t ever compromise ur own principles for a guy… if he likes u enough he’ll respect u if you stand up for wat u believe in.
9. If a guy ever cums even close to hittin u then just walk out on him, period!
10. A guy who cares about u will never take u away from ur friends, he’ll in fact try to be a part of the gang..
11. Any guy who expects u to sacrifice ur career for him is not worth it in the first place.
12. If u feel that u’ve lost ur self confidence since u started datin sum guy then just get out b4 its too late.
13. Like the guy for what he is not for what he does….
14. If he’s not there for u in ur lows then he’s not worth being with in ur highs
15. Remember guys can sweet talk themselves out of any situation.
16. If a guy really cares then distance will never be a problem for him…..he’d want to be ur boyfriend even if either of u moved to Timbaktu
17. Don’t be afraid to talk about the future of the relationship…..the fact that ur afraid means u kinda know its not heading that way.
18. Don’t ask him to make decisions for you, make ur own decisions cos he’ll get used to it and b4 u know it he’d be tellin u how to live ur life..
19. If he doesn’t acknowledge the relationship in front of his friends then I am not sure that he’s the guy for you.
20. Don’t do things for a guy that u’d regret later, it’s very easy to get carried away in a relationship.
21. Know ur priorities, remember family always cums first.
22. A guy who has the kiss and tell funda is a Jackass and so not worth it.
23. Any guy who puts u down in front of others is just gonna hurt u in a long run.
24. If he flirts with women in front of u like u don’t even exist then tell him to go screw himself…
25. Don’t get emotionally dependent on sum1 if there’s no future to the relationship.
26. If a guy cares about u then he’d care about small things that to u.
27. A guy who cares will always stand up for you.
28. If u constantly feel like u can do better then end the relationship b4 sum1 gets hurt.
29. Its ok to be jealous but if the guy can’t even stand the sight of u talkin 2 another guy then run for ur life…
30. Guys with a dominating streak are bound to get violent sooner or later and it’s better to stay away from them.
31. If the guy is mean to you a lot, don’t try to justify his actions in ur head with things like – he had a bad day or he’s stressed about stuff. No reason is good enough to treat u like carp.
32. If being with a guy gets the worse out of u or being with u gets the worse out of him then its not workin out…..
33. Don’t be scared to end a relationship if it’s not workin out cos ur afraid of bein alone….remember Karan & I are always there for u.
34. Remember to take ur friend's opinion abt the guy ( & mine as well ), if they don't like him then there has to be sumthing wrong. When it cums to stuff like this friends are generally rite....
    
35. Last but not the least it takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work. It takes a whole lot of maturity, understanding and adjustments so get into a relationship only if ur ready.

NOSTALGIA :)

WARNING: This is gonna be a super long blog!!!

I read this sumwhere- Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect. I think its so true.....

My MBA is almost over just one exam to go...I just wanna stop time. Its funny cos like 5 months bak I was felling the exact opposite- I cudn’t wait 4 for it 2 get over. I think the best and the most carefree time of ur life is when u r studin. The only thing u hav 2 worry abt is getting good grades. And even that seems too much then. I didn’t really think it was gonna be this hard. Its seems like all of a sudden u gotta grow up, be responsible, take up a job, invest ur money and pay taxes….

I wanna do these things but rite now I wanna be carefree and just care abt finishing my college assignments. I am seriously gonna miss college. Ok I know this is gonna be like a totally geeky thing 2 say but wat the heck I am one- There are still so many books in my library that I havn’t read man. I am not kiddin but I think I am gonna miss the library the most. It was like my cave where I found solitude. I had my little corner with books that no one read..... but me. Ok so this is by far one of the best compliments I have got, the peon in my college library once told me that no ones ever luved books in this library like u have.

I think another thing that I am gonna miss is workin on projects. I luved that feelin of getin so consumed in wat u r doin u 4 get wat time it is… callin ur group members at 4 in the night or morning whatever u wanna call it and askin them to add pictures in the presentation. Oh god that was soooooo much fun especially when we had presentations at 7 in the morning almost know one slept when we had those. We’d be on the phone the entire nite...Also the whole group studin thing was completely new to me. Imagine teachin commerce students accounts when I have been a science student all my life. And then there was this friend of mine who’d always be on the phone with his girlfriend and we’d all get mad at him….I am gonna miss the thali in my college canteen. I remember I went thru this phase where I had 2 hav one in a day at least. Then there was this guy in my canteen who thought I was sum actress (no clue why) and he'd jump to take my order – not to mention all my friends started teasin me with him. I think my favorite person in all my coll’s hav been the guys who got me tea and that has been Sada for the past two years. A sweetheart who looks very dashing in a blazer I might add (he’d wear one when the canteen had to cater weddings).
And the college fest – oh god the drama that happens during those is unbelievable man. Headin 5 events, being a part of the dance & the singing thing that we had goin was super exhausting. God but being so busy gave me an adrenaline rush which was unbelievable.

And then there are those Professors…My darling Cheema Sir, even thought he quit coll after my first year we had the best time when he was around. He bought the kinda energy that was hard to match up. This is a guy who made every student feel special by rememberin their names and just his presence made us feel like we cud do anything. Knowing all along that if we screw up its Ok cos he’s gonna make it alrite.
Professor Shannon – the youngest prof we had was a bundle of energy. I think his passion for things he cared abt was unbelievable. And his words of appreciation for all my presentations just gave me such a high. I mean his presentations wud be for like 10-15 marks but just cos he cared sooo much u felt like workin hard. And then there was Venky (he insisted we call him that) who made us work our asses off. I think I had the most fun workin of his presentations. Thanks to him I hav done enough research on international marketing that I can open a restaurant in Ghana….lol!
I have 2 mention Prof Bhasin here as well cos even thought I am not really a fan of him rite now his lecs in the 1st year were so much fun to attend and he taught us things that one learns only thru experiences in life and not in a class room.

I don’t know if I hav said it enough but I am gonna miss college and even though I don’t wanna admit it I gonna miss the people as well. And I hav to thank all those people I call friends today cos God knows I did everything I cud to make sure I didn’t make any. But they just always hung around and I never felt alone…so thank you guys:-)

Kaash...

I don't know why but I am feelin this incredible pain like sum1 just aimed an arrow rite in the middle of my chest. I don't hav any reason 2 feel this way, every thing's goin fine but I don't know why sumthing just doesn't feel rite.......

My baby Kaaraj left today and I am super bummed abt it. It felt soooo good to hav a kid around. U know when u hav those really crappy days, I'd just go play with him and put him to sleep and it didn't seem bad anymore. Its almost as if he gave me a reason to cum home. I think I like kids in their baby phase better cos they can't talk so they can't tell u that ur irritating them....lol! I am gonna miss putting him to sleep, I am gonna miss hearing him say Papa when I'd ask him 2 say Mama., I am gonna miss him pullin may hair, I am gonna miss his cute lil laughter, I am gonna miss that lil cutie pie sooooo much:(
Fortunately 2 other kids arrive as replacements on Sunday...man am I glad abt havin a huge family. Sumtimes I just wanna hav a baby so bad its almost like my maternal instincts are beginning to kick in. I don't know if I'll be a good mother but I do know that its the one thing that I'd try my best to be good at.
My brother's cumin in a couple of days and I am super excited abt that. God I miss him so much(seems like this blog is all about missin ur family)..and he's gonna be here for sumtime so its gonna be like the good old days.

This blog was supposed be like a two line thingy cos I am not supposed to write a blog now (I hav my exams goin on) but I always hav so much to say....anyways I wrote it really fast so sorry for all the grammatical and spellin errors.

This ones by a band called THE CALL, they sound like Creed only they sing in hindi..

Wo raastay
gumm na hote
hum sehra na
bhatakte

un sadiyon ke
safar mein
uss waqt jo
theher jaate

Kuch toh tum keh jaate
Kuch toh tum keh jaate

kabhi to milo ge
kabhi to kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash theher jaate

aaj bhi
talaash hai
wo raaste
chale thay jin pe

iss tarah kabhi yun
saath saath
hamesha
iss safar mein

hum tumse keh paate
hum tumse keh paate

kabhi to milo ge
kabhi to kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash theher jaate

kabhi to milo ge
kabhi to kaho ge
hum jo yun na jaate
kaash theher jaate

I've Been Crushed...Finally!!!

Ok so this is to inform u guys that I finally hav a crush on sum guy. And I can't tell u how happy I am cos its been ages since I last liked sum1. I am not really gonna do anything abt it cos I don't want to 4 various reasons. But the point is I FINALLY HAVE A CRUSH ON SUM1....yaayyyyy!! Just when I almost gave up hope:)

I read this sum where and I sooo had to put it on my blog -

" Boyfriend is a form of uglyness so intolerable that it needs to be changed every 6 months"

LOL ladies!!!! I know wat ur thinkin only a bitter bitch can appreciate crappy stuff like this well.... I completely agree;-)

By the way my face is still burning, its been almost 2 days now, seriously man wat the f*** was i thinkin.

The Pursuit of Happiness

The Pursuit of Happiness is actually one of my favorite movies and every time I watch this movie I learn something new. I think all of us are in the pursuit to find happiness and I am no different. So what makes my journey more important than yours. Well its MINE!!

If u hav seen the movie u'd know that Will Smith's character describes every phase of his life with a name. So if I had to do the same and describe this part of my life that I am livin rite now, I'd say this part of my life is called " The Struggle". U know how they say that if u work hard it always pays off in the end. Well the work part is almost over but there's no sign of the pay off. I have worked my ass off in the last 2 years. I focused all my energies on this one thing. Hell I even chose not to have a personal life at all cos I didn't want any distractions not until my MBA was done. And when I had the option to choose between hanging out with my friends or work, I always chose work. Not to mention that half of my friends are pissed at me now. The point is I had my priorities set. But wats the point?

I'd like to think this part of my life is similar to the part where Will Smith & his son get homeless. I am just exhausted and every inch of me wants to give up. But I won't cos there's a voice inside which says just hang on a little longer its gonna be alright. I just hope there's a happy endin to my story just like the movie. Cos this is all I have. Rite now my career (which means the world to me) is goin down the drain, I don't have a boyfriend and from the looks of it I am not gonna hav one at least not in the near future. And if that wasn't bad enough my parents hav gotten so desperate to get me married they even put up my profile on sum marriage portal (I think I'll have 2 a write a separate blog on this entire episode which by the way was super hilarious- in the end I hacked the account and deleted it,). So basically life sux rite now. The only ray of hope in my life these days are my college assignments and my exams which are cumin up soon. Theses things keep me busy and distracted. But even a few seconds of being idle just frustrate the hell out of me. I mean if I hav to choose between not doin anything and workin all night I'd choose the latter any day. I am a workaholic and won't even bother denying it. I like havin sumthin 2 work towards, I like beein busy...

I absolutely luv the part of the movie when Will Smith gets the internship and and he starts almost hoppin on the street and says " this part of my life this little part here is called happiness". Weird na, we spend more time in the pursuit of happiness than experiencing happniess itself.

I read this thing sumtime bak and I absolutely luved it, "I am a tough girl whose super ambitious and i know what I want. If that makes me a bitch then be it. At least I am not in denial".
I am gonna end this blog with this hymn that was in the movie The Pursuit of Happiness. Every time I hear it I have tears in my eyes. This is my plea to God cos I just want him 2 help me get past this phase..

Oh Lord You Don'T Have To Move The Mountain
But Give Me The Strength To Climb
And Lord, Don'T Take Away My Stumbling Blocks
But Lead Me All Around

VANITY INSANITY!!!!

So I was planning to write a blog this mornin for a completely different reason (cos I was bored)but never in my wildest dreams did I think I wud get so obsessed with vanity that I’d end up writin a blog on it.

As a child I was never really pretty. But honestly I didn’t really care. By the time I reached eleven I was overweight (thanks to my genes if I may add) and honestly didn’t really care then either. I grew up in joint family with loads of cousins who tortured me with fat names. I think I kinda accepted the whole thing and never even bothered to retaliate. Cos even thought I was fat I cud run super fast and play with them. I hav to add here that man kids can be mean and when I look bak now I kinda feel bad for the poor lil fat girl. When I turned 14 I had my first crush. He was super cute and had dimples.

I wasn’t really forward to think that I should date him. All I really wanted was for him to notice me. So I decided to loose weight and went on the worse diet possible. Within 2 months I was half my size. He didn’t notice me, so I continued. By the time I was 16 I was anorexic skinny. Thanks to the stupid diet I lost a lota hair, developed loads of infection and even skin problems. So I stopped!! I think even though I lost the weight in my head I hav always been a fat girl. And even today when I look in the mirror I see her.

My parents decided to put me on a house arrest me when I was in 12th cos they didn’t think I was studin enough. Thanks to the house arrest I kinda went into depression and the weight was back again. So after my exams got over I decided to loose the weight but this time by goin to the gym. The thing is I kinda liked workin out so I spent way 2 much time in the gym and within a couple of months started lookin anorexic again. So I had to do away with the gyming. But then I had one of those boyfriends who played on m my insecurities. He kept tellin me I wasn’t thin enough (His exact word were ur ass is not in proportion with ur body). And I was 6 kgs lighter back then. I never really felt like I was good enough for him so the struggle with my weight continued. I think the fact that I wasn’t comfortable in my own body made things worse.

It took me a break up and a lot of internal work in my head to finally get comfortable with my body and the way I look. To be honest I didn’t really care any more just like when I was a kid. Cos sum where I realized that there more to me than the way I look.

I have to confess though that since I have turned 24, I started feelin old not mentally but physically I have. And the whole ageing gracefully thing is obviously not happenin……

A couple of months back I started getting some dark patches on my face I figured it had sumthing to do with the sun so I started wearing loads of un block. It didn’t really help. I saw couple of doctors too cos the things on my face u know. Anyways this afternoon I went to one who was highly recommended. But I think she kinda hijacked me. Apparently this thing is cos of the way I sleep. I don’t hav enough flesh on my temples so when I sleep side ways the capillaries on my face get squashed. After lookin at the thing she immediately started applying sum acid like stuff on my face and I can’t tell u how much it burned. And then she got sum machine which sucked my dead skin which was agonizingly painfull. Mind u this all happened during my lunch break from work. Imagine going to work with the skin on ur face peelin of…………….ewww. And did I mention how much it burned. I don’t know maybe I have no resistance to pain. Honestly I never thot I wud ever be vane enough to go for such stuff and now its hurtin like crazy and I just want to undo the whole thing. Also the bloody thing was super expensive man. I never thot I wud ever be so vane. Honestly I am not, I just want 2 look the way I did, its not like I want to look better or anything. I have spent my entire 1st pay cheque on doctors I didn’t even get to enjoy it;-(

Single, but not lonely

HAPPY WOMEN'S DAY TO U ALL!!! I actually had big plans for the day ( was gonna go 4 a trek with my friends ) but nature took its course. So thanks to PMS I spent the whole day holding my stomach lying on my bed.

I read this article 2day and I agreed with every word in it so I just had to share it...

WHEN I was in my late twenties, my parents believed they could find a person for me to marry. And despite my advice to them to abandon this line of thought, because a 'found' boy, was not the path to marriage I could possibly tread, they would insist on meeting single, eligible men and their families. These meetings always ended with my parents politely excusing themselves from said company even before tea had been served. I don't remember all the groom stories they told me, but yes, there was one in which a mother said she had no objections to a 'career bahu' as long as I cooked the family's lunch before leaving for work; and there was another where the boy was going through an unusual dietary phase; he was a Phalaahari, who had consumed only fruit for the past several months; and there was yet another one, where, upon phoning the number given to my parents by a helpful relative, they found out the guy was already married; to cut a short story shorter - arranged marriage didn't work out for me. And this, I had predicted.

Now, the thing about love, at least the kind I understand, is this: it simply cannot be searched for, no matter how diligently the strategy and plan are chalked out. It has to happen on its own - infrequently, unpredictably and illogically. Admittedly, many have found a kind of love through some sort of arranged meeting; but I also know of several women, who have been fiercely scouring the social landscape for that elusive, wonderful man they will marry, for five, 10 years and it hasn't yielded just results. Either the guy just stops calling after three meetings or these women find the men less than sensitive, smelly or just not exciting enough. All this only corroborates my thesis: if love has to happen, it will. Or else it won't.

Why is there such mortal fear of being single? It's not half as bad as it's made out to be. The single person has many satisfying relation-ships. One's relationship with work is nothing if not passionate, steadfast, and intimate. Work is the one thing in life that gives you back what you give it. It's pulsating and alive, and although filled with huge highs and lows, never does it leave you empty and undone. A project hardly ever fills you with abiding sorrow, even when it isn't a success. You put your heart into it, and in turn, it will always remain yours.

Nonetheless, what can be tiring, even in this elemental relationship is that one has to continuously sell one's wares. In the entertainment business, you need to endlessly pitch your ideas and throw yourself into full-bodied marketing to convince sceptics of your talent. That's a considerable pressure and often debilitating to the spirit. But for those low times, there are friends! Childhood companions, girlfriends! Funny, patient, generous, friends are extended family. With them you are free to be yourself. Free to fight, free to gossip, free to embrace and free to fail. It's so liberating, it's as if, with all your awkwardness and ineptness, you fall back into a soft bed to allow yourself to stare at nothing. Of such fun experiences, the world is filled to the brim! There are so many places to travel to, so many different foods to be had! There are books to read , movies to see, websites to be immersed into. The occasional hairspa to be enjoyed and the great pair of Italian shoes to be bought! There are nieces and nephews to be adored, and parents to laugh with. Stories to hear and stories to tell.

Oh single world, whatever else, thou art certainly not one-dimensional!

So, single though I am, I hardly am bored, and have never felt sorry for myself. Therein lies the secret. If romance walks through the door someday, it will be welcomed. Not because I'll be waiting, sad and lonely, ready to fling myself at Cupid's feet, in tearful gratitude. But because, all loves are welcome. All loves are life. And not all lives have to walk down the regular road to be considered full.

The writer Tanuja Chandra is a screenwriter and director

Confessions of a Bitch....

You know I hav always thought of myself as good human being but rite now I don't feel that good about myself. The bitch within me has just taken over. Its like a split personality- I don't like her and she doesn't like me either. She makes me do these things and then I feel guilty later.

I hav realized that I hav been justifying my actions in my head by sayin its Ok to be this way cos I hav been through a lota crap. But the thing is no matter how much crap u've been throught nuthin can justify u being a bad human being, period!!
Bad things happen to most of us but at one point u just hav to let go....

I have also realized that I judge people. I think most of us do. My problem is I end up lettin people know wat I think of them on their face. Also its not like I have lead a saint like life myself so who the hell am I to judge people. So I shudn't...I think I am gonna change this about myself.

I miss my friend I think I am trying to find him in people around me ..

I am at a crossroad in my life rite now - I hav to choose between fulfillment / satisfaction and money. This is like goin against everything I stand for. I have actually looked down at people who hav done this and I can't believe I am thinkin of doin it myself. Its not so much about greed rather its about my desire to be a sumbody. I don't want live a life of an anonymous person who nobody knew existed. I hav realised maturity has nuthin to do with age and everything to do with experiences u've had in life. One of the reasons my siblings are so mature 4 their age is cos they hav seen so much in life.

I just really need to get hold of the bitch within me b4 she completely take over..

I hav completely fallen in luv with this track by The Fray- How to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

P.S - Just in case u r wonderin this song is about a guy trying to help his friend who's an addict

Lost no more;-)

Its weired but I am finding a part of me that i thot i had lost 4ever in the same place where i lost it..i don't know if this makes any sense. I think I have a sad soul. There's this part of me thats always gonna be sad and heart broken. But lately I have been feeling maybe -that part has begun to shrink. And a part of me is feeling so guilty about. I mean thats sounds so stupid, why would sum1 feel guilty about not being sad. It just makes no sense at all.......I purposely listen to songs that wud make me sad but the thing is they don't make me sad anymore. I know I am not in the best situation rite now but u know wat i am gonna make the best out of it. AND I WON'T QUIT. I have just started, so things are not goin the way i had planned . But wat the heck- Life's wat happens to u when ur busy makin plans (heard this sumwhere). I luv myself to the point of being narcissistic....but the one thing that i luv the most about myself is that I am super resilient I never give up that easily. So I am not gonna give up ...at least not rite now. So screw the world for trying to put me down!!!!

So I came bak from work today and found myself livin in Barbie's house. I don't know wat got into my Mom but she's turned my room into a pink bubble;-) Its been so long since I hav laughed or even smiled from within..I think I forgot how to be happy. And I don't mean the superficial happy....I mean the kinda happy that makes ur face glow. A couple of months bak when my friend Richa told me that- We are soo gonna miss these college days. I completely disagreed with her.....but u know wat I take that bak. Cos i do now. So when i get to go to college on Fridays after work I just get super enthu and excited. If only I cud turn bak time. And u know wat I hav realised that I did make friends. Even with my serious trust issues i had I manged to make sum good friends....

I just saw Delhi 6 today and I just wanna say that the movie sux Bigtime!! Other than Rehman's music nuthin in the movie is worth watchin. I saw this movie - He's just not that into you on Valentines day. And the place was filled with single women so Cheers to all the single women out there, cos we don't need a guy to celebrate Valentines day anymore. Now cumin bak to the movie-It was a complete chik flick (which is why I luved it) and had gr8 insights on how men think. So here are couple of things from the movie that I think I shud keep in mind -

1. You are not the exception you are the rule.....if u r wonderin wat this means I'll explain it with an example. Now if u hav met a guy who's been a typical Bad boy all is life and cheated on women but u think he's gonna change himself for me. We'll wake up women cos thats soo not gonna happen. If he didn't change all this time he's not gonna change now for u cos tumhare koi parr nahi lage hai aur na hi tum koi hoor pari ho..

2. If a guy acts like he doesn't give a crap about you he ACTUALLY doesn't give a crap about you. We women always try to over analyze things and justify why a man must have behaved like a Jack Ass. We cum up with various excuses in our head- he must have had bad day, he's just very temperamental, he's stressed because of work, blah blahh....We just don't wanna except it that the guy doesn't like us as much as we like him and maybe we shud just let it be.

3. Last but not the least- Never give up hope cos one day u will met that guy who'll make your toes curl

I know the last one sounds soooooooo corny and girly but then i am super corny and girly and i am not gonna deny it.

P.S- Lately I hav been attracting a lota weirdos, seriously man where the hell have the decent men disappeared, its been ages since my manfast got over .....

LOST!!! Part 2

I just don’t know where I belong. And I seriously hav no clue about wat I shud do with my life. I am just super confused rite now. I think that’s one of the reasons why I am so mad at myself. I am 24 I shud hav figured this out by now. Almost all my friends think that I am mad at them. But how do I tell them that its not them that I am mad at its ME. I think I am just avoiding them coz I don’t hav the balls to tell them that I failed, that things didn’t work out the way I had planned, that everythings gone for toss and I can’t really do anything about it. Cause there are certain things that I just can’t control. I am not really a planner but I made plans for a change. And NUTHING is happening like I had planned. This is all I had and trust me when I say I gave it my all. I know I am in a much better situation than most people around me. But this is not about comparing yourself to those who are not doin as well as u r. Its about trying and doing the best that u can. And if this the best that I can do then it sux bigtime…Why can’t we reach our destinations without any obstacles, isn’t there a shortcut or sumthing. I know I am meant 2 do better and bigger things in life. Don’t ask me how I just know. But rite now none of that is happening. There are sum people who just know wat they are meant to do…I think a part of me knows wat I wanna do too I just don’t know how to get there. The whole thing where u hav to do a lota stuff u don’t like before u finally get to do wat u luv sux. I don’t wanna do the whole stepping stones thingy why can’t I just get there directly.

I think i hav becum so emotionally independent that a part of me feels like i just don't need anybody any more. I think i fear getting emotionally attached and being hurt so much that i hav started to distance myself from people who care.

I hav just realized that I am so going to die alone. I am not kidding this is really serious. Leave alone liking a guy I can't even be nice to one. I think I have become a manhater- if that's even a word. Just the other day I told a guy that he's such a nag, its almost like he's a man trapped in a woman's body. That's not all sumtime bak this guys in my college came upto me and said " U r lookin really nice today" and my response to that was "I wish I cud say the same about u" . The worse part is I don't even hav to think, bein a bitch just cums from within . I don't even hav to try anymore. This year is so not turning out the way I had expected it to. I think have replayed the track Lost by Coldplay almost 10 times as I wrote this blog…

LOST!!!

I believe that there are two kinds of luv that we experience in our lives. The first one is the luv that we hav 4 people around us and the 2nd one is the luv for wat we do. But every1 isn't fortunate enough to to get both in a single lifetime And if sum1 does well then he's a lucky bastard!! I have been in place in my life where i hated what i was doin so luv for wat i do is very very important for me. Infact rite now i think thats the only luv that i hav in my life and trust me when i say this I am so grateful for it. I think when u luv and enjoy wat u do then the passion that u feel is jus amazin. I mean u cud be workin your ass of but it won't like it at all. I think thats the key - it shudn't feel like work at all. Now cums the sad part...my colls not goin that well. The next sem has just started and its gonna take sum time as usual to gain momentum. But I am just super bored of not doin anything. Plus the subjects that i hav this sem are kinda ridiculous. I don't wanna study EVS, i mean hav't we done that in school already. So anyways with not much happenin in coll i pretty much hav nuthin to do and my life just feels empty. I mean this is all i hav got. Its not like i hav a personal life anymore. The man fast has been over for a while now and i can't even get myself to hav a crush. Seriously i can't even remember the last time i had one. Maybe i hav just past that age when u hav those stupid crushes. But still sumthing wud be nice its like the opposite sex just repels me. I think the idiom " Once bitten twice shy " is just so apt in my case.

This song by Coldplay describes my state of mind better than i even i cud hav-

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost

Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off

Me & my GOD

I reallllllllly wanted to start this year on a positive note cos honestly last year was amazin. But thats so not happenin. But i can surely try to make sure that the 1st blog of 2009 starts on a positive note.
I wanna start start off by thankin god for everything thats he's given me. We all hav our own relationships with God. Sum believe in him cos they hav been taught to, other worship him when they want sumthing from him and then there are those who pray when thy need his help. My relationship with God is based on gratitude. When u see really tough times in your life, u just don't know how u r gonna get thru it. But then sum how u find the strength which u never knew existed within u to over come it all. I think at the end of it all u just wanna thank sum1 for givin u that strength and for me that sum1 is GOD. The other day i was goin sum where and i was trying to find a rick below my house. And i was as usual grumbling about sumthing in my head when i saw this man on a bicycle. He was one of those guys who sharpen knifes for a living. And i just wondered how much money must this man be making everyday. I am sure it must be less than wat we spend travelling in rickshaw's everyday. Thats when i asked myself wat the heck am i grumbling for. It feels so stupid when we fuss about such silly thing in life when people around u are not sure if they'll make enough money to feed their families.

Ok now enough with the preaching and bak to grumbling....my life so sux rite now. Thanx to the recession i think i am getting into depression. I just can't findin anything positive in the newspaper these days. Infact i hate reading the paper these days. I hav taken sum decisions and i don't know how they r gonna affect me and my future. Going bak to a place where u hav made sum fond memories is kinda weird cos i think sum where i am scared that i'll probably screw it up. Also people change and i hav changed, so u just don't know wat to expect. But i have a strong need to prove myself this time. I just don't hav a personal life anymore. It just doesn't exist. Also i am just really pissed at these friends of mine. I just don't get the two of them. One is in luv with the other. There hav been times when they can't stand each other and then there are time when they are inseparable. And every time they hav a fall out i am the one who has pick up the pieces. I am just sick and tired of it all. Either u like the person or you don't and if its the latter then just give him the time to get over u, period. I am just irritated and hav been avoiding the two of them. Watever its just not my problem anymore, sort it out yourselves and if u can't then too bad. There are just so many other important things in my life rite now that i just can't waste my time over this childish infatuation anymore.

Have u ever wondered wat makes us like or dislike a person ? I mean why do we end up defining sum1 as a good person or a bad person? Are people really good or bad? If sum1's nice 2 us we think he or she is a good person but if sum1 is mean to us then we think he or she is bad. Basically our perception of a person completely depends upon our interaction with that person. Suppose if sum1 steals from u to feed his family, then to u he's a Chor but to his kids he's the father who'd do anything for their well being. Isn't it weird how people can hav such different opinions of the same person?So are people really good or bad? Honestly i dont know. I think i am a good person if i am nice to most people around me and if do end up doing sum1 wrong then i feel guilty about it. Basically good people or not so bad ones hav a conscious. And the others well i am not so sure....

I am havin the worse PMS of my life. I hav becum super cranky, i think i'll cry if sum1 just gives me a mean look. Seriously the stupidest things are making me cry these days. Anyways thats it for now see ya later....