Hoping Against Hope

I am so confused. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I feel like I pushed everyone away because of my shitty marriage. I have been ashamed and embarrassed about how this thing has shaped up that I just did not want to not drag others in it. I have had a relationship not work before but for some reason this feels like a bigger failure. It feels like I let people down, like I let my family down. And I have tried. I have been trying for the last 4 years and I am just tired of faking it. Acting like all is ok. It’s not, it never has been, and honestly never will be. We have all the worldly possessions but we lack basic respect and trust in this relationship. Everything feels like a chore. Everything is forced. 

I can barely crack a smile. I have just let myself down more than anyone. I promised myself I wouldn’t end up like one of those wives that just takes all the shit and continues in a suffocating relationship because she has no other option. I didn’t work hard to become that woman. I didn’t leave home and my friends and my county to become that woman.  

I have isolated myself from the world because I just have no confidence left. The repeated comment of you are a bitch that no one likes has left no energy in me go out and make friends or bond with people. I am trying to remember when I became this person and its right after I met him. Cos before I had friends, I loved to go and meet people, I was the life a party, I loved getting drunk and being stupid. I don’t remember the last time I did that. And I haven’t done it not bcoz I am a grown up or any of that crap, I haven’t done it cos he didn’t like it, cos he said I embarrassed him coz I didn’t have any control on my emotions, cos he couldn’t handle me. I know I played my part but this is not what I aimed to be. I went from being a care free spirit to a corporate stooge. I went from not caring about the future to counting pennies becos we need to hit a tax bracket number.

Can I ever go bak? To being that person who just was reckless and innocent had a heart so full of dreams and compassion. I don’t know anymore. 

I cannot imagine raising a child in this marriage. If I feel so suffocated I can only imagine how messed up that kid will end up being. I just want to step away from it all. I want to start over, not with anyone just alone focusing on myself. It just feels like that would be a selfish thing to do. Abandoning everything that I we worked hard for, giving it all up. That’s the conflict. But I just have to remind myself that if I did it once I can do it all over again. I can build it all again – a home, a life. I have lived in the slums of Newark. How bad can it get? Right?

I need to just get over the conflicting thoughts and take the plunge. Not let anyone get to me. Be determined in my decision. Yes it’s going to be hard starting over, of course it will be. But once that phase is over and things settle down. I can just move on and be the person I have the potential to be. This is a test of how strong I am as a person. And I’ve always said I am fighter. I fight for what’s right. And this is the right thing not just for me but for both of us. He will never walk away, not because he loves me but because he feels like he owes me something for helping him get here. He won’t say it but I know. I don’t care we both influenced each other in some good and then some not so good ways. So I have to be the strong one and walk away, accept my part of the blame and focus on what really matters – peace of mind and long term happiness. I was mad at everyone for not helping me get out of this sooner but I have to realize that one else can help. I have to help me – because at the end of the day you need to be your own hero, your own knight in shipping armor, your own teacher and your best friend. So I am doing it. No matter how hard it is walking away from my dream home that I feel like I built I have to just do it. No matter how much my parents hate me for it, no matter how much he pleads and begs and pretends to be in love with me. No matter how mad the world ends up being at me I have to do. I cannot loose myself any more than I already have. I cannot let this break me. I have to just do it because I do really belief this will be for the best for both our futures. The uncertainty of the future scares the shit out to me. I could end up a lone hag or end up being the cat lady or the isolated person who never talks to her family. But I have to believe if they love me they will let go of it eventually. I just have to hope and pray that they will forgive me for breaking their hearts. So here goes nothing. 

I Won't Give Up on Me

I don’t know what it is but it seems people are just getting meaner as they get older. Maybe the world makes them bitter or angry or just less hopeful. But I refuse to be that person. Hell I will not succumb to the pressures of the world. No matter how bad a day I have I will always enter my home with a smile. No matter how jaded I feel I will always let people ahead of me in traffic. And no matter how irritable I am I will try my best to not vent on the people that matter.

Something I really need to practice is standing up for myself. I don’t do that enuf with the people that I luv. Just bcoz you love someone doesn’t mean they can bulldoze all over you. I hate to argue with my people but at the same time I am not a push over and I will not let someone’s perception of me impact my self-confidence. I have worked too hard in life to be considered a 30 something divorced women that wilted away.

The choices I made are the ones I live with. I know in my mind and heart they were the best choices at the time for me. I will bear the repercussions happily because that’s how you learn. If you love me support me – don’t question everything I do and DO NOT put me down. I am a fighter and I am proud of it, but I am also human and words hurt. Not reacting or ignoring things being said isn’t a sign of me not caring, it indicates my tolerance.

I want to work towards being as kind and nice and compassionate as I can be. Pre-conceived notions or assumptions may exist for whatever reason. But they don’t define me. How I am today, and how I handle things today and the person I have grown to be and am still growing to be does.

I know I am work in progress, there is no denying that. But I also know I am a good person who’s always there for people, never shys away from fighting for the people that matter, always stands up for the right, sees the good in people and always gives everyone the benefit of doubt, and NEVER thinks twice before doing things for the people I love.

I Won't Give Up on Me

I don’t know what it is but it seems people are just getting meaner as they get older. Maybe the world makes them bitter or angry or just less hopeful. But I refuse to be that person. Hell I will not succumb to the pressures of the world. No matter how bad a day I have I will always enter my home with a smile. No matter how jaded I feel I will always let people ahead of me in traffic. And no matter how irritable I am I will try my best to not vent on the people that matter.

Something I really need to practice is standing up for myself. I don’t do that enuf with the people that I luv. Just bcoz you love someone doesn’t mean they can bulldoze all over you. I hate to argue with my people but at the same time I am not a push over and I will not let someone’s perception of me impact my self-confidence. I have worked too hard in life to be considered a 30 something divorced women that wilted away.

The choices I made are the ones I live with. I know in my mind and heart they were the best choices at the time for me. I will bear the repercussions happily because that’s how you learn. If you love me support me – don’t question everything I do and DO NOT put me down. I am a fighter and I am proud of it, but I am also human and words hurt. Not reacting or ignoring things being said isn’t a sign of me not caring, it indicates my tolerance.

I want to work towards being as kind and nice and compassionate as I can be. Pre-conceived notions or assumptions may exist for whatever reason. But they don’t define me. How I am today, and how I handle things today and the person I have grown to be and am still growing to be does.

I know I am work in progress, there is no denying that. But I also know I am a good person who’s always there for people, never shys away from fighting for the people that matter, always stands up for the right, sees the good in people and always gives everyone the benefit of doubt, and NEVER thinks twice before doing things for the people I love.

Hard Times are Back Again

I thought I was done with blogging done with penning down stuff I feel, done with letting people I don’t know into my world but never say never right … I have been through this before and it sucked big time then and it sucks big time now. Except this time I am responsible for not trying harder or for giving up. And I thought that there isn’t any pain if you are the one letting go, well I was wrong. It’s not easy admitting it but I know I didn’t try harder, I know I have been better than this.

I just want to go to bed and wake up to a different phase of life where all this is over and gone. I think the disappointments were too much to let go, they just never seemed to get over. I kept telling myself that the timing of things is off but just for now, it’s a matter of time, it will get better – well it didn’t, it got worse and bitter and harder.  I am just tired of trying so damn hard to make it work, I can’t push myself to do this anymore. And yes the unknown future is a constant fear but I can’t be stuck in this rut because I fear the unknown. I think I wanted to do this for the people I love, but guess what they are just as miserable, so what’s the point. Loneliness sucks even more when you are with someone and their presence doesn’t really change anything – it just gets lonelier with every passing day. It started with good intentions, it did at least in my mind but somewhere along the way it got bruised and beaten up to the point that it’s become unbearable – it feels like a limb that doesn’t work anymore but you are just dragging it around and at one point you just have to ask yourself should I just cut it off now cause I know for sure now that it’s never gonna heal.

I have been in denial and just haven’t felt like talking about it with the hope that all will work out. But it’s time to admit it to myself and the world that it’s not working out. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I mean why should I – these things happen, not to a lot of people I know but they happen.

I don’t want to be the kinda person that’s not there for someone when they are in the dumps because I won’t be able to live with the guilt of it all. So I’ll hang in there until all is settled but I don’t want to change my mind – I need to do this and I need to handle things better this time.

This transition isn’t going to be easy, it’s going to be heart breaking and painful but this blog like always will be my solace from the preying eyes of the world. I can just hope and pray that we all have it in us to deal with this. 

For Better or For Better

Do you ever feel like you are alone...the more people you have around you the lonelier it gets in your head. Like there s just no one you can talk to....technically I have some one to fill in that supposed  role in my life. But I just don't want to share with him anyone any more. When you confide in someone and tell them your deepest darkest secret and the only reaction you get from them is get over it, it kinda becomes difficult to tell them anything any more. 

I don't want to bother the ones that matter cos I feel like I have hogged enough attention over the years, it's their time now. At what age is one supposed to handle all their problems themselves? At what point should one decided to not burden others with their pain and sorrow? Honestly I am not sure, I think some things just stir your core from within and you just end up in such a dark place you don't want to drag the people that matter in this dark hole. It's just not worth it cos once you are here it's very hard to see the light, it's very hard to understand why things happen the way they do, you stop believing in good, you star questioning the existence of god. 

Angry At The World Again....

This is not how imagined my life would be....

My kid is hurt and there is nothing I could do change what happened. Every morning I get up angry at myself for not knowing better, for not protecting you, for not taking care of you, for not figuring this out sooner, for being so god damn blind, for ruining your life... of all the things I am or I though I was this was the one thing I thought I was the best at, turned out this was the thing that I sucked at the most. My perception of everyone I know has changed,  my perception of myself has changed.  I have just one feeling left  within - ANGER. Every other feeling inside me has died.

 There are days I just want to disappear, there are days its hard to even fake a smile, there are days when I can't look you in the eyes any more, there are days when I don't call you anymore cos it reminds me of what a giant failure I have been.

I am sorry...you have no idea how sorry I am for what happened... I am trying to forget or pretend I have forgotten like you but I can't. 

I know it may seem that I am trying to control you but all I want to do is protect you and help you heal. Everything has changed. I don't trust anyone to take care of you anymore. I am scared to even let you out of my sight. 

I know that I cannot prevent every bad thing from happening but I don't care - I'll try my best to make sure they don't happen anyways. Thats what I am supposed to do. Yes it is my job, if not me then who else. 

My Happy Ending:)

Wow I am kinda feelin nervous writing this blog maybe cos its always tough saying goodbye. I by the way stink at goodbyes. Anyways I have realized that its time now to move on to bigger and better things in life and by that I mean a better blogging platform (LOL!). So I am doin it, I am makin a move to the best that there is. I hav absolutely luved writing here cos honestly this is by far the best way to vent or even save ur memories (I luv reading stuff I wrote ages bak). A part of me soo does not want to do this but I have to cos I have to. So this is it. But then every story needs an ending rite……so for all of u wondering wat happened well. ………I found my next challenge and its gonna be the toughest one so far and as usual I am shit scared. I am always shit scared when I decide to do sumthing big but then that is also the reason why I choose to do it……And no my story does not end with she met a guy, fell in luv and they lived happily ever after………cos well every1 has their own version of wat they’d want in their happy ending, turns out that’s not wat I want. In my defense I tried;-P Its tough tryin 2 force urself to fall in luv with sum1 and hats off to those who are successful at it……I am afraid I am not one of them. Also I did sumthing super stupid and sooo unlike me but I did it cos well every1 has their moments of weakness ok. I was hopin that it wud help me get closure…did I get it? hmmmmm, good question;-P Wat the hell does closure mean anyways…its just a crappy word and how do u know u got it? It not like a postcard that u receive in ur mail u know……Its so abstract and u just hav 2 assume u got it like I did. Moving on, today I am at peace and I hope that stays cos that is all we seek in life to have peace of mind and the hope that sumday ur heart can be as pure and innocent as it was the day u were born. I think now when I pray to god the thing that I pray for is the ability to forgive and forget those who did me wrong and I wish that I never loose humility and appreciation for everything that I have. I don’t know when this happened but I realized after ages I can be silly again without the fear of being vulnerable. Your trust is the most valuable thing you give to a person and you can only hope that he or she values it. I think I am a work in progress, we all need to change things about ourselves but awareness isn’t enuf if u aren’t really doin anything about it. I hope I am a better human being when I am ready to start a family cos I wud not be able to bring a child up knowing he or she deserves a better parent. I just recently realized how hard it is being a women. Cos being a women means giving unconditionally, it means thinking about every1 else but urself, it means having ten hands to so that u can go to work, feed ur child, make dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry, be a good partner, be a good mother and BE FUN!! I don’t know how women do it, I mean u seriously have to have super powers to have that kind of energy. So this ones my salute to all the loving women out there who work so hard to raise a family (Ya I know this a super feminist ending but then did u expect anything different from me)

So amazing how this world was made
I wonder if GOD is a woman
The gift of life astounds me till this day
I give it up for the woman
She's the constant wind that fills my sail
Oh that woman
With her smile and her style,my
She'll protect like a child
That's a woman

She'll put a smile upon your face
And take you to that higher place
So don't you under estimate
The strength of a woman
The strength of a woman

Woke up this morning
I got up with the scent of a woman
Just picture if you could what life would be
Ain't much good without a woman
She can nag and be a constant pain
Oh that woman
But those hips she's got me whipped
And it's just to hard to resist
What a woman

Tender lips that's so so sweet
Gentle words she softly speaks
Such an angel when we need
GOD bless the ground beneath her feet
She can take you on a high
Be your comfort when you cry
But if you look into her eyes
You'll see the strength of a woman
Strength of a woman

This is a picture of the house I live in, u see that yellow thingy on the post box it has my name on it and everyday when I cum bak from work all tired and I see my name there I feel a sense of accomplishment that cannot be described in words......



That's it for now Adios amigos, until we meet again :)