Hard Times are Back Again

I thought I was done with blogging done with penning down stuff I feel, done with letting people I don’t know into my world but never say never right … I have been through this before and it sucked big time then and it sucks big time now. Except this time I am responsible for not trying harder or for giving up. And I thought that there isn’t any pain if you are the one letting go, well I was wrong. It’s not easy admitting it but I know I didn’t try harder, I know I have been better than this.

I just want to go to bed and wake up to a different phase of life where all this is over and gone. I think the disappointments were too much to let go, they just never seemed to get over. I kept telling myself that the timing of things is off but just for now, it’s a matter of time, it will get better – well it didn’t, it got worse and bitter and harder.  I am just tired of trying so damn hard to make it work, I can’t push myself to do this anymore. And yes the unknown future is a constant fear but I can’t be stuck in this rut because I fear the unknown. I think I wanted to do this for the people I love, but guess what they are just as miserable, so what’s the point. Loneliness sucks even more when you are with someone and their presence doesn’t really change anything – it just gets lonelier with every passing day. It started with good intentions, it did at least in my mind but somewhere along the way it got bruised and beaten up to the point that it’s become unbearable – it feels like a limb that doesn’t work anymore but you are just dragging it around and at one point you just have to ask yourself should I just cut it off now cause I know for sure now that it’s never gonna heal.

I have been in denial and just haven’t felt like talking about it with the hope that all will work out. But it’s time to admit it to myself and the world that it’s not working out. I guess I shouldn’t be embarrassed, I mean why should I – these things happen, not to a lot of people I know but they happen.

I don’t want to be the kinda person that’s not there for someone when they are in the dumps because I won’t be able to live with the guilt of it all. So I’ll hang in there until all is settled but I don’t want to change my mind – I need to do this and I need to handle things better this time.

This transition isn’t going to be easy, it’s going to be heart breaking and painful but this blog like always will be my solace from the preying eyes of the world. I can just hope and pray that we all have it in us to deal with this.